Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012! My Goals.

I could make this a drawn out blog to where I just end up saying the awful truth after making myself feel horrible possibly. I won't though. In all honesty I am now EXACTLY where I was the 1rst of last year. Same weight. To some it may be "that's good" but it's not. This was the SECOND year I said it was going to be MY year where I become a maintainer. It wasn't. Heck I am starting 10 lbs above my goal weight. JUST...LIKE...LAST...YEAR. Blah, blah, BLAH! I do not get THIS high until these past holidays. Anyways WHATEVER. I am not dwelling on it. Enough is enough. :)

As I said my weight is where I started 2011. Better then being HIGHER! My running on the other hand...:'-D I started 2011 with only being able to run 3.1 miles. I am starting 2012 with being able to run 13.1!!!!

I accomplished my other goal I made for 2011. Doing 1 race a month for 2011. I have completed 13 races. They include 8 5k's, 4 10k's, and 1 9.11k. I ran my 1rst 5k and my 1rst 10k this year!

I am so amazed and proud of that!!!

Now for my goals of 2012!!

I will be completing my 1rst HALF marathon in EXACTLY one week from today (Jan 7)!! I will also be completing few others. I have 5 planned for this year SO FAR including the one I run next week.

Come July I will be training for my FIRST EVER FULL MARATHON!!

So 2012 I will start with being able to run 13.1 miles and end it being able to run 26.2!!

With the training I HOPE to get more miles then 2011. I am not 100% sure it is correct but according to my logging of my runs I have logged 704.21 miles ran for this year. I KNOW it is not LESS but if anything I could have forgotten to log one or a few. I do not believe I did forget but ya never know!

So 704.21 is AWESOME!!! :') I did all those miles!! I will be logging my miles on my computer this time around so I know what I end 2012 with!!

Now regarding weight...by golly!!! I WILL NOT END THIS YEAR THE SAME WEIGHT I AM NOW!! I will reach my goal weight by the end of the year!! IF I do not I will be at least 135 lbs!!!

I will blog at least ONCE a week.

I will run 1 mile a day for as long as possible. Come July when I start training I will PROBABLY stop. Who knows I will try my best though!

I will get in 60 mins a day for as many days as I can. I would like to do 7 days, but I would not mind at least 5/7!

Every Sunday when I weigh in I will be taking a picture of the scale number. I find that may be very motivating BECAUSE I will be posting it for the world to see! :)

That is about all folks!! Those are my GOALS.

I hope you ALL have a wonderful last day of 2011. I kissed it goodbye with one last run...an 11 miler. I plan on being asleep when the horns and all that go off. So I'll see YOU in 2012!

XOXOXO

Oh the colors I will be!

Lovely title huh? :) It is named that because I am excited about a 5k run I signed up for on Feb 25! I am done with 5k's and for the most part 10k's. I might give some thought to 10k's but I really just want to do 1/2's for 2012 up until July when I marathon train for my Marathon on Nov 3! Anyways I signed up for this run because frankly it makes me happy inside and gets me so excited because it will be a BLAST!

It is a run where every 1K they throw color dust @ you and by the end you look colorful like Willy Wonka! The finish is a color extravaganza with a BUNCH of colors!! When I was directed to this yesterday on FB (registration opened yesterday as well) I automatically knew HOLY HEAVENS you MUST do it!! It will be so fun and an AMAZING experience! I will have a BLAST and let loose!! Here is the link to the site!
http://thecolorrun.com/

Tomorrow I am supposed to run 13 miles. I had planned on it. I took all week off (6 days) from running. Just NOW (like as I type this, right this second) thought I should not jump from resting to 13 miles. I should pick back up on Monday with my normal 5 miler. What do you think?! I think that would be best. Small 5 miles as I would do any other Monday. That gave my body 8 days of "rest". Though I feel it did no good because I still have the pulling in my leg. Still telling me "yup I am still here. To bad so sad!"

More and more I think about it I really wish I had insurance cause frankly I REALLY need it. I am falling apart. I am having teeth problems where I can not eat on my left side and it's just getting worse. I am having IT Band problems, Sciatic problems, Pififormis problems, and my Bulging dics problems!! All which are related to the other. They are all linked to one another. So that does not help. I was diagnosed with bulging discs 2 years ago when I last had insurance by MINIMAL tests. They could not do any other tests or find out if it was worse because I refused anything more because I was breastfeeding and would have to stop and that was not going to happen! So it could have been worse. Anywho they "went away" (or should I say went into hiding) after 6 months of NOT running, when I finally said I quit..I am running! So now since I have had these other issues with my IT and Piriformis and etc....the "pain" has come back. The damn bulging discs are back!!!

Whatever. :) I am done. Next subject...

I can NOT wait for the new year!! 2012 will be just HAS TO BE my year I become a maintainer! No more excuses no more "mistakes" just NO MORE CRAP!! How's that?! :-P

I need to sit down and write up my goals for 2012. Word for word so when December ends I can blog about it.

That's about all folks!
XOXOXO

Oh how NOT running effects thy.... (Long & Rants)

It effects me in so many ways, that just plain out sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!

I had planned on not running for 6 days (I plan on running my long run on Sat but I am not sure) to give my IT band/ piriformis a chance to "heal", not heal, feel better, do SOMETHING other then bother me! So I have not been running and I am going NUTS.

I am in such a slump right now for so many reasons. I have been doing NOTHING all day (besides house work I mean fitness wise). I have not even been doing ST'ing. I feel so SAD. Like what is the point.

I know there IS a point and many reason I should but running is the ONLY cardio I get. It is the GO TO, it is my EVERYTHING. I HATE doing videos now. Thank you running for making me hate them lol. Before running that is all I would all day, now that I run I can not stand to be in front of TV. It is like overwhelming and makes me feel claustrophobic. I can't stay in one place.

I can't walk outside because I have my boys and back in the day I would take them with me, but it is just beyond too cold to take them out with me. I don't like taking them out and having them sit in their wagon in the cold. I do not have time any other time to go by myself.

My glute and IT band are not SORE anymore when I roll. They do not HURT or BOTHER me at ALL when I ROLL. SO they do not seem to be tight. EXCEPT my IT Band is still bothering me. I feel so helpless, and I literally see my running dreams crashing down in front of me, Seriously. It has got me in a "mood" where I feel like just bawling and I am so sad. Grr.

When I say I see my running dreams coming crashing down I seriously mean I stare ahead and I see building coming down like the twin towers. I am sorry to mention the towers but I literally see them falling and those are my running dreams.

I can't see how I am going to be able to do my 1rst 1/2 marathon first week of Jan or the others to follow that, or how I can't even do that so How am I going to do a marathon. I just do not see any of that happening. EVERYTHING I wished, dreamed, and worked so hard for...getting demolished!

My eating has been horrible. The I feel sorry for myself and I just do not care anymore eating. Thing is though I do care. Each and every moment I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the wanting to get back on track but I "can't" right now because I do not want to mentally. I want to eat myself sick because I am "deserving" of it because I can't even run right. I am a failure.

NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG...I know I am NOT a failure. I know I could not help that this has happened. I KNOW the way I feel and am going about things right now is "WRONG". I know this. Right now though I am feeling hopeless. I am allowed to feel this. I need to shape up sooner then later. I keep telling my self that the new year will be it. No more "mistakes".

For the past 2 yes TWO years I have said that 2010 would be the year I became a maintainer, and then the same for 2011. Now...once again 2012!

The other day Shawn had a migraine. Long story short as always/usual. I took care of the boys and he slept all day long I kid you not. So I made sure boys were quiet (to the best of my ability) I let him stay sleeping on the couch. I put the alarm on the couch so he would wake up for work next morning, I set up his clothes, I did everything to make sure he was set for work next day. Since he did not "care". Next morning when I got up...I woke to being overwhelmed frustrated upset, and "pissed" to the point where I bawled. Just like a baby. I was so "sad" at the point of realizing that I take care of everyone else and I am EXHAUSTED. It's a B%&*$ when it HITS you that you will never get rest nor the RESPECT you give to others. The idea that I gave him what he needed, REST. The man works 6 days a week from 2am-7pm 5 of those days. His temp job is done as of the 24th so he will be working only 4-6 hours for now on, BUT I have never gotten that I will never get that, it just is not "fair". Just that morning BEFORE he had gotten the headache I wanted to "relax" on the couch I was dozing off and he was too busy NOT paying attention to HIS kids as USUAL and they were bugging me. He even came over to me and asked if I was tired and falling asleep. I said yes (I mean eve if I was not my arms was over my eyes and I was LAYING DOWN so I obviously wanted to relax and HELL I DESERVE TO RELAX! Yet he walked away continued not watching them and here they go bugging me again RAMMING into me as I TRY to sleep. Heh. I get the crap of "I have no problem watching them while you go and relax or sleep in". Bull %^$%!!!! I told him this time and time again including YESTERDAY. He has told me how awesome I was and am for "taking care of him" and givi9ng him that day of rest/sleep. I know this, but don't I deserve the same AWESOMENESS?! YES!

I told him you tell me ALL the time that you have no problem with watching your own children but you can't even watch them for a few mins when I am laying on the couch! If they were being WATCHED they would not be able to make there way to "bug" me. If they were being watched they would not be able to find the way back to the house to the bathroom to find me when your supposed to keeping an eye on them. If they were being WATCHED they would not be able to come back into my bedroom and jump on me while I lay there, or be able to bang down my door calling MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so on so on so on.... you get the picture.

So I woke that morning overwhelmed and "pissed" that I always am the one taking care of everyone else. I do it with a problem. I do it without wanting anything in return. I did it not being upset. I just woke to realizing I will never have the same in return, and that my friends is a kick in the nuts. Sorry for the terms. OUCH. I also was rushing cause I had to go to an appt...just to go and find out that it is NEXT Monday. I went on Monday but a Monday to soon. I knew it was on the 19th but I thought it WAS the 19th already! Wow.

I "ordered" (I had credit on Amazon so did not have to actually pay for it) 2 DVD's of Jillian Michaels. They should be here tomorrow. 1 is yoga, and 1 is buns and thighs. I want to TRY anything to strengthen my hips, thighs, glutes hoping that MAYBE it has SOMETHING to do with my IT Band/ Piriformis issues.

Yes I know though I can't stand doing DVD's so how am I going to do them? Do not know. Sigh.

With Christmas coming it makes it a little more "depressing". My oldest Izick keeps talking about Santa and gifts. Coming out of his room saying nope no Santa or gifts yet. I have TRIED explaining it is not about that. He is expecting stuff and the idea of him only getting one tiny little thing (because that is all he IS getting due to not being able to afford anything, no not a sob story just real) bothers me. I told him today that if he gets a doll he needs to be happy with it....well it resulted in NO's, yelling at me, calling me names, and so much more.

Izick is almost 5 and he has been horrible recently. Attitude, telling me off, saying alot of things no child should say. I have done EVERYTHING aside from hitting him with a belt. I could say so much more of the way he is acting but I wont. Of course my little man Gavin does EVERYTHING his older brother does...so you get the picture.

I hate knowing I can not get them anything for Christmas. I wanted to sign up for Angel tree, but I was too late. :-
I have no gotten anything from Santa in so many years. SO I have my own little material wish list. I never celebrated growing up because well my dad... he is the DEVIL. Yup. So of course the whole you want your kids to have what you never did.

I have 3 things I want.
1. Jessie J cd
2. Paramore cd
3. Elliptical

My NON MATERIAL list is so long. SO SO long. I am blessed in so many ways and I want things to stay this way if not better. I just want the same things I already have day after day. That is all. Oh except I would LOVE to have my running dreams renewed and not have an injury anymore.

I want to leave off with this video. It is from Jessie J (the 1 I want the cd of :)) I had it stuck in my head all day yesterday and frankly it goes with how I have been feeling. It applies to ALL OF YOU as well. Just give it not even 5 mins of your time and listen to the words if you can?
Jessie J: Who you are
youtu.be/j2WWrupMBAE

That's all folks!
XOXOXO

Piriformis muscle the cause of my IT band problems?

If you have read my last couple blogs you would know that my IT Band has been bothering me so very much.

Ever since my LONG run of 13 miles last Wednesday (so 1 week ago). I did EVERYTHING that day trying to get it to relax. I did RICE, I took Ibuprofen, stretched, rolled, prayed...EVERYTHING you could think of or read about.

The next day Thursday it let up SOME, was not hurting like ti did day before BUT had the dull ache and pulling sensation. Come Friday it was FINE. Back to normal. Saturday was my Santa 5k and it did JUST FINE. Gave me no problem what so ever.

Then this Monday when I ran my 5 mile PACE run it was ALRIGHT. Around 2 miles it started giving me the DULLEST of aches, and pulling. Through out the day it started bothering me more. So I did what I had done since it started bothering me...FOAM ROLLED it. I just kept and still keep doing it.

The next day Tuesday was my HILL running, it did OK but started hurting. SO when I did downhill I WALKED. That seems to help a bit. When I got home I took an Ibuprofen and rolled it. The I started freaking out. This whole time I have been freaking out. Ya know the what am I to do, I can't do anything professionally cause I have no insurance and can't afford to pay for it out of pocket, I can't stop running, my dreams are crashing down in front of me kind of freaking!

When I roll my IT Band it does not hurt whatsoever like it did when I FIRST did it. Does not bother me and does not feel knotted. Does not phase me anymore.

Well on Tuesday I was trying stretches that I stated did not work for me (still do not). They always target the wrong areas seriously. Like you are supposed to feel it in your thigh I feel it in my CALF. SO ya. Anywho I was trying one out and it ended up pulling my Piriformis muscle. In other words my butt. Well I kid you not....my IT Band pain...disappeared!! Like it was full blown bothering me then I did that stretch and my knee bent and felt brand new!!!

Are you kidding me?? What the heck just happened?! So I came to the conclusion that MUST be a HUGE problem that is causing my IT Band to hurt! I do not know how but it is!? So...I started rolling that muscle, and OMGoodness did and does it hurt!! Now my butt is so beyond sore it is not even funny. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

It is so beyond tight it wont let up.

WelI am still rolling that muscle and my IT Band.

I did my 5 mile run this morning and most of it was ok. I tried running in the street, the gutter, and the side walk. Just to see. I ALWAYS run in the gutter. Which is a major problem. When I was running in the street that was the only thing to get my IT Band to let up and stop aching/hurting.  The side walk was better then the gutter but still. The problem is there is no room here to run in the street with cars. Where I run there are no bike lanes, the street is busy, and the lanes are big enough just for a car. :( Then towards  the end of my run (4 miles) it started hurting/aching no matter what.

There is no grass areas for me to run on. Just rude cars with no room for me to run next to, and extremely slanted gutters and sidewalks. I can not run on a track either because 1. they are in a school and wont let you use them when I run and 2. way too far for me to walk. So no luck there.

I rolled both my IT and my butt out BEFORE and AFTER my run.

So I have found out those things. I have no idea why or IF the problem is my Piriformis muscle, but I do know that it is extremely tight and when I loosen it up (for the brief 5 mins it stays loose as long as I do not run) my IT band stops hurting.

That's all folks!
XOXOXO

IT Band stretches do NOT work for me!!?

My IT band started acting up again today on my run. I even stopped running 2 times to "stretch" then when my 5 miler was done I stopped and stretched before I walked home. NO stretches what so ever work for me EXCEPT rolling on the foam roller. I NEED to find one that works standing. I need to find SOMETHING that will work when I need to stop to stretch it out. I do not get it. I have no idea what I am doing wrong or why it does not work.

I either feel NOTHING or I feel it in  the WRONG places. Standing stretches do not work, sitting stretches do not work, twisting & looking like contortionist  does not work!

Do not know what else to do.

I do not even know how to properly warm up before I run...unless what I am doign is proper. I run slow for about 1 mile. By slow I mean slower then I set out to do. Such as today I did about 12 min.mile for 1 mile then started doing my pace of 11 min/mile.

Anyone know what I can do to get the exercises to work for me?!! Or how about something that WILL work for me besides rolling it out?! Do I roll it out BEFORE I run?! ADVICE please?!

I can NOT go to a dr, a chiro, nor anything else that costs $. I do NOT have insurance and can not afford to pay for anything out of pocket. Just heads up. Thank you guys!!

Also I wanted to mention I have 1000 articles saved on my computer. I have and keep doing searches about ITBS online. Blah...

Nothing more to say...That's all folks!
XOXOXO

Just pictures of today's great day...

Today MANY things happened not really much to say so I will post pictures of couple.

Today was my last race of 2011. I made a goal to do a race EVERY month. I accomplished that today.

So because I accomplished that Shawn got me a trophy, which was a lovely, sweet, wonderful, awesome surprise/gift! It says  Congratulations on completing you goal! It is HUGE and my first and I imagine ONLY one I will ever get. Frankly I like this way better then having to COMPETE for it. I don't do that. ;)

I also got my brakes finally fixed in the van.

I ran today's run/race WITHOUT an MP3 player (I can NEVER run without music so I thought ;)) because it decided to NOT work BOTH times I trued. I charged it all day yesterday and yet it seemed to start then die and the battery was yellow. Heh go figure. So I ran the whole thing w/o it and did just fine and it was AWESOME. My Garmin only showed 2.90 miles...I imagine because by the time we started to be able to run it was way past when we started because there was OVER 10,000 people there! So Garmin did not pick up my walking as moving.

I got my bling oops I mean medal holder haha AND my ifitness belt in the mail today. I tell you what I can NOT believe I never knew about the fuel belt before today. I am so beyond glad I got it!!! It is a life saver and feels like I am not wearing anything and truly amazing!!

All this also means to me that NOW I am going to accomplish crazy miles and do crazy things I never thought I would be able to do or do at all. I am so ready for 2012. 2012 will be the year where I truly prove to myself what my HEART already knew. I am capable, can , and WILL do anything and everything I put my mind to.

Here are some pictures of the stuff from today!

Feeling tired, & in a LITTLE slump...

Ever since Wednesday when I ran my 13 miles I have felt like I am in "slump". As of Thursday (so yesterday?) I have been what I feel VERY LAZY. I have no energy both mentally and physically. I have NOT done my ST'ing when I know I should because I am just tired and in no mood. I have not done laundry and I tell ya I kid you not I SERIOUSLY have 20 loads. I know I need to but once again I am feeling too tired. I am supposed to do ST'ing today and guess what...I feel too tired. It takes one second to pick up the weights or get done on the ground and do my exercises but that requires energy, and that my friends I do NOT have AT ALL.

All I want to do is collapse on the floor and lay there while watching tv. I have thought this for 2 days now but with 2 boys who won't allow me , I guess I can't. They are screaming, making a mess, screaming at eachother, choking eachother, making eachother bleed, or doing something else. Literally every second my boys are being plain out HORRIBLE.

SO that probably does not help what-so-ever since I can't recover the way I should. I can not catch a break or relax.

My eating as well has had me feeling RAVAGED...what the heck? It does not hit me til night time. I have NOT been "bad" or anything. So that is the GOOD NEWS. :) I went over my calories by 20 yesterday but that is about all. Too meet my calories now a days I consume DOUBLE portion for dinner. By that I mean double the fish (when I have fish. not meat because that is too much meat for me), and always double the veggies. I have also had double BLT sandwiches (turkey bacon baby!) and I am just not satisfied! Really!!?? I used to be STUFFED w/ just ONE sandwich and now 2 is not enough? What is going on?! Eh.

I have so much to do....so so much! I just do not want to do it. ::sigh::

I have my Santa Run tomorrow (5k "race") though it will def be a fun run since there will be OVER 10,000 people there so there is NO WAY I can get through them all or start at the front because it will be crowded. :-\ Then after tomorrow...it will only be 1/2 marathons for 2012 AND my FULL! Oh Lord! ::biting nails::

Well folks I am too tired to keep typing lol so that's all for now ;)
XOXOXO

My 1rst 13.1 miles at home.....

Lord where do I start?! It was THE hardest run EVER. Not the hardest mentally AT ALL but the hardest PHYSICALLY!

Mentally I did just fine and wonderful!!! So wonderful that I did not let my physical challenges stop me or put a damper in my I am not worried about this run because I GOT THIS attitude. :) I was so worried about this run all week..Heck I was worried/nervous about this run the day AFTER my long run LAST WEEK. Go figure ;) I did not get any sleep last night either due to being worried about it. Technically I did get some sleep I got 2 hours of sleep. So when I woke for the final time  (earlier then I had planned due to waking AGAIN) I was not worried. Weird. I had the whatever (in a good way!) attitude. Like I got this so it's all good. :) No idea where that came from but I will take it!! LOL

Now physically...oh geez! I do not even know where to start what to say or when it started, but the 1rst 5 miles were ROUGH energy wise. I had energy but I was like oh my gosh this is kinda hard (my breathing was harder) I just wanted to get to 5 miles so I could FUEL with my Sport beans! Which BTW was the 1rst time I tried them( more on that later).

My right knee started bothering me @ about 2 miles. Seriously. So because it was acting up I could not bend it much like you should because it ached (IT band) which meant my left leg had to accommodate for it which led it to SLAP the ground :( Then  it eventually got a LITTLE better where I didnt have to slap the ground and it did not ache SO MUCH . It was about my turn around (so 6.5 miles in) then it started up again @ 9 I will guess and the on again off again continued til about 12 where it stayed aching for the last mile. This was my first turn around route as well usually do around route kind of thing, but now running 13 miles (& eventually marathon training) I have no choice but turn arounds.

I have NEVER had to deal with the IT band thing. Man I tell you it plain out SUCKS and HURTS! I have no idea what started it and why. :(

I came home and rolled it out, and rolled it out, and yes you guessed it rolled it out! ROLLING IT OUT HURTS SO BAD!! Hurt in the way of OUCH this is supposed to feel good? Heh far from it lol. I did that for over 5 mins and nothing was helping. It then got LITTLE better. THOUGH when I started sitting and got back up...there it was/is again. Stiff, achy, and ouch. It was ALRIGHT until I STOPPED moving. Grr...

What the heck!!?

Eh. Now regarding the sport beans...they were the cherry extreme kind. Came with 15 (yes I opened and counted so I knew how many to take when.) :-D  I took 5 @ miles 5,7, and 9. Yesterday I smelled them and though ugh. They just smelled like I would not be able to "like" them and just be able to "tolerate" them, but to my surprise YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) They were a treat in my mouth and I looked forward to mile 7 and 9 when I could take them AGAIN hehe... Thing I do not like so much is the BIG bag they come in. You have to shove your fingers in there and TRY to get them all while running. They should come in HALF the size bag so it is ALOT easier to grab them!

I have been worrying about how I am going to be able to run an actual half marathon "race". Races are SOOOOOOO much different them runs @ home. I have worried since my last 10k race this month (bout 2 weeks ago). Will I be able to do it? Yes. I would like to think and believe so. Will I be "miserable" Yes I will. Not in the I am not enjoying this but in the way of when will it be over this is hard kind of way. JUST like my 1rst 5k and my 1rst 10k. That FIRST initial step is hardest and few others may be as well. Will I go back and do another? You betcha. I signed up for the ones I could already so it's a done deal. Plus my stubborn but will NOT let me quit. THAT I am ok with! :-D

My MP3 songs have been the SAME songs for a year now!! (Actually 11 months) and I have been SICK of them. I have needed new songs for a long time now. Well I am DONE with them. I need time away from these songs and need new ones.

Now off the running subject...few other things in my daily life.

The day before thanksgiving was a rough one. I SWEAR I was being tested. So many things went wrong. ONE MAJOR thing was the brakes in my car went out... Well 2 months ago we had them done. New brakes, pads, calipers, the whole sha-bang $400 worth. Placed on a credit card that I still have $350 left of...come to find out (after Shawn had to miss a few day --there goes $ that we needed to begin w/ now even MORE) that the master cylinder went out. There are 2 valves and #2 was leaking into #1. So it would cost ANOTHER $400. AGAIN placed on credit card. Well Shawn is there TODAY getting it fixed (more $ lost :() So now that is $800 on a credit card we can't pay. MY credit being screwed. (We ARE paying but so little that w/ interest we will have paid $3000+ when paid off IF EVER) To make things worse...(then) we are late for our maintenance service by 1000 miles so we have to get that done which will cost $200 change (can you guess how it will be paid?) AND then in less then 2000 miles we have to go for ANOTHER service (have to do the dealer services to keep our warranty WHICH is over April 1) which will be $100! THEN our filters (engine and cabin) need to be changed (they have needed to be changed for 3 yrs!!)oh and ONE more thing we need a fuel & injection system cleaned which is $90.

So all this happened the day before Thanksgiving (plus my phone  stopped working that day). As a way to say what are YOU thankful for Jodymarie?! SO I was overwhelmed I cried and I spoke to above... I said "OK! why does all this have to happen the day before thanksgiving (or PERIOD for that fact). It's like you are asking what am I thankful for? Well I can tell you I am NOT thankful for this!!" I then stated (and posted it as my status at the time " I am thankful, I am thankful, I am friggin thankful!!!"

Well I bought and replaced the filters myself YESTERDAY. :) Loved doing it made me feel special haha I did research to find out where they were located and how to change it blah blah blah and did it yesterday saving 40 MINIMUM dollars. WHOO HOO!!! I am looking into how to do my own oil changes which I will be doing after this next service since my warranty will be up and frankly I CAN do it myself! (I tell myself that haha). Now as far as the fuel/injection system needing to be cleaned Shawn said we could use those bottles they sell that says fuel system/injection system cleaner that you put in your gas tank? I am not sure but maybe. Hmm.... I do not know how to find out.

I bought 2 things yesterday!! :)
Let me show you!!!

First is medal holder. I had 4 that I asked on FB for people to "vote" and tell me which one's they liked. I was STUCK. Finally narrowed it down to 2. I was STUCK again on those 2 for 2 days, I was getting so frustrated. Well I took a look on their site one last time under Female runners (which I had not look under before) and BAM there it was. No if's and or butt's. It SPOKE to me I kid you not. It was final I got it. I can NOT wait to get it and hang it up!! It is 26" long, and can hold 18-25 medals. I only have 3 right now and by the end of next year I will have total of 8. Not many but a start. Here it is:

The next thing I got was a  fuel belt. Not a hydration belt but a fuel belt...holds GU's and such. I have needed one forever and I asked someone where they got theirs and off I went (online). No more holding stuff in my boobage area lol which let me make clear is uncomfy and annoying.

Here it is:

It has 6 slots on outside for Gels (I imagine bars and such can fit too) and toggles to hold your race bib (which I will like since I HATE putting safety pins through my running stuff!) BUT I have no idea how they work. Anyone know?

That is about all folks!!

I am supposed to do ST'ing on my lower body but no way is that happening.

XOXOXO

Why I think I was sad yesterday..........

I felt so unbelievably sad yesterday. I posted on my status how I was feeling and I got alot of cyber hugs. :') THANK YOU all for that!!!

It started when I got up from laying down from "nap time". I felt so very SAD. Like beyond depressed and I just did not want to be bothered. I felt like I was not in my body and I just did not know why. I just wanted comfort I just wanted to cry. So I fell off the "wagon". I mean I just did not fall I BROKE the wagon. I did not understand why. I mean I was NOT hungry at all. I was not even low on calories. I am not feeling deprived since my calories are higher now. Just did not make sense. I can not even explain how incredibly sad I was. It was scary.

Well when I told people this...I also got cyber answers of....subconscious stuff. Like your subconscious works in weird ways and it knows and stuff like that. Well when Shawn came home I needed to go for a little walk. Like NOW. :( He said the same thing...he said he thought ALOT of it had to do with what I found out earlier that day. I said" but when I was told I did not think of it as sad I do not think". That did not matter it made COMPLETE sense. I know at that moment my heart sank when I heard.

Now what I heard I will tell you in ONE SECOND. Background my neighbor has 4 kids 2 girls and 2 boys. We chat everyday. I walk alot with her to pick up her daughter(youngest) from school often. We share things with eachother. Her cousin (male), his wife, and their 2 kids were staying with her.

Well I had heard a few days ago that her oldest (who is her daughter and 13 yrs old) and her cousin were writing very inappropriate letters back and forth and showing affection towards one another. She put a stop to it thinking nothing of it. She wanted to tell his wife but did not know what to do. She said she was afraid what her family would say and such... She asked my advice and I was not nice about it (I was not mean just blunt). I told her basically in short story that if they got mad then they are not family. That she should say F^&* them and be a mother and worry about her daughter. I told her me knowing exactly how it is in that situation when I needed someone to do something for me they did not. They called me a liar and all I needed was a parent to defend me stick up for me and cal the cops. She needed to do what a MOTHER should do. Do SOMETHING. Well YESTERDAY just before nap she came over to talk with me. She had posted on my FB that she told "her" I said WHAT!!!?? I then looked on her FB page and she had posted the day before "the fit has hit the shan". I then realized uh oh THAT is what that post was about.

Anyways she came over and told me how it went down. I bluntly asked was it just letters (cause once again being experienced in this field I know it usually is more) or did he touch her? She told me oh ya. He would wake her up and ask what she knew about sex. He would touch her, and he would make her touch him. ONLY reason it did not go further (sex) was because there was ALWAYS someone in the house. There is alot more info but that is the point.

When I heard this I don't remember thinking I was "sad" for her. I do not remember how I felt to be honest. Then shortly after she left. We ate pretzels and all went to lay down (my boys and I). Then I woke and the sadness started.

Now alot of people would think well ya anyone should be sad for that poor little girl but mine runs deeper.

The following link takes you to a blog I wrote a little back about my experience. A good amount of you have possibly read it. Now I WARN you...

WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!

It may not be a pretty story. It talks about rape, molestation and dysfunction. So if you cannot handle PLEASE DO NOT READ.

Heck there is no reason for you to read I just want it to be known that I have alot of history.
Here is the link:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4355105

So being one who has experienced what her daughter had experienced...I do believe that subconscious had ALOT to do with it. Though I do not know if that was the problem. It is the only thing that makes sense. When others told me that it clicked and made sense.

When I fell off the wagon all I felt was complete sadness. I actually cried cause I was so sad and did not know why!!!

Today is much better and I am fine and back to my normal self.

So I believe that was the reason I was sad. Maybe maybe not but I will stick with it. The subconscious apparently works in mysterious ways. I mean I have alot of other crap going on BUT I deal with that stuff everyday and it does not effect me in this way so....

I feel horrible for eating everything and anything in sight yesterday....but today is a new day. Right? :-
THANK YOU to ALL of you who commented on my status. You all are LOVED!!
XOXOXO

Always nice....

to get a PR!! ;) Last 2 races I set one. Today I beat my old PR by 3:18!!! Not even trying. Always so awesome!! When I saw my my time at mile 5.2 I said do not go above 10 min/mile and you could beat it by like 2 mins. So MAYBE I sort of tried towards the end lol otherwise I did not. Plus that last mile I was not looking at my watch the whole time I just glanced every now and then to see if I was running above. When I saw my time I was like HOLY CRAP!! ;) Sorry for the language haha I love beating times when I do not try or train to. I just run to finish.

I do not do speed work. Maybe SOME day but not any day close to the near future. Do not get me wrong it would always be nice to run faster...but I just do not have that NEED to. I just want to run and finish strong.

I conquered something I was worried about. I mentioned to someone last night these EXACT words "It worries me, freaks me out, makes me panic, and scares the crap out of me...THAT is why I MUST do it."this was referring to the decision of NOT wearing my camelback. Depending on the water stations.  I am so used to having it just in case I need it. SO I set out to not wear it and I made it through JUST FINE. :-D I wanted to depend on the stations for my 1/2's so now I am going to. My FULL I will DEF wear it though. Still will be wearing it for my running at home. Anywho I did just fine and conquered what worried me so much. 


When you are faced with fear the only thing left to do is tackle it HEAD ON. :) I am crazy like that. I realized that. When it comes to running that is!! I did it today with my water, and when I signed up for my 1/2's and full marathon. :) Many other ways as well.


NOW....what bothered and is still bothering me is while I was running I thought "HOW am I supposed to run this AGAIN for my 1/2's?!" You naturally push yourself during races. So I only did a 10K (6.2) today how am I to race 13.1?!! I can run (so far) 12 miles at home with no problem but racing is HARDER and TOUGHER and plain out more rough. I was not DYING today but it was..I do not even know the words. It was a pusher. I could not see myself doing it all over again..for ANOTHER 6.2 miles. So how am I to do it?! How am I going to make it?!


That is what I can not get out of my head.


I went over by 51 last night. That is ok. I was supposed to be @ 1400 yesterday. I ate a bagel (carbs) and it put me @ 1451. Did not know of anything else to consume for 179 calories period let alone with carbs I needed. So it is fine.


That is about all folks!
XOXOXO

Well that will make 2 days of no sleep....:)

Why am I smiling with that title?!! LOL I do not even know. I did not get much sleep last night AT ALL...not much sleep meaning MAYBE 5 mins. My mind kept racing...bunch of stuff. HALF of the thoughts were of running/races related. Worrying...man it does the body no good..OBVIOUSLY or else I would have slept. The other HALF of my mind racing was things with Shawn. Ya not getting into that but long story short what to d, when to do, and how to do it....

So I got NO sleep last night as well as I will be getting NO SLEEP tonight..due to RACE jitters. Tomorrow I run my 10K Turkey Trot. It is my last longish race and 2nd to last race BEFORE I start my HALF marathons and my FULL marathon...in 2012. Oh boy.

To make things so much better TODAY is the ONE day when NOONE gets a nap. I never get naps really I just get to relax and lay there WISHING I could get a nap. ALWAYS happens where I lay down and IF I were to start dozing...ONE or BOTH my boys wake(s) up. No hope lol. So NOONE is getting one BECAUSE I want my boys to be tired...we are all going to bed (lay down) 2 hours early @ 7 instead of 9 since we have to wake SUPER ealry @ 345 for my race.

1 other thing I wanted to talk about is my mother. I watched her get dressed this morning for work and she tried on 2 different pants when I wa sin her room neither fitting. Not being able to get them above her legs. Then to top it off she was huffing, puffing, and panting just moving. It saddened me. I could not stand it. It broke my heart. She stopped trying on pants for a while the same time I decided to walk out and head out to the living room. She then headed out to the kitch to make herself some oatmeal. Which is ANOTHER thing that bothered me. She made 3 yes THREE servings of it for herself.

When I say this I do not mean it in a mean harsh hurtful way...but while I watched her try these pants on, barely be able to breathe, and make/eat 3 servings of oatmeal I could not help but to feel saddened, disappointed, and SICKENED. I literally feel sick to my stomach. I feel disgusted. Every time I see her move and hear her I feel disgusted. When she sits there and eats a full bag of chips...I do NOT mean that in a horrible way I am just being real and not trying to be "mean".

Enough about that...I stepped on the sale today JUST to see...and I stepped on the scale 3 days ago. My last blog about weight gain I weighed 158. 3 days ago 154. Today 151. :) I am not going to keep weighing myself I just wanted to see and make sure it did not go back up. So from that blog I have lost 7 lbs. :)  Iwill weigh in the 1rst of the month. I plan on doing monthly weigh in's.

That is about all folks..I have to go pick up my race packet!! :-D
XOXOXO

My 1rst 12 miles....

Today I did my 1rst 12 mile run EVER. I made it just fine, and obviously survived hence why I am here typing lol. YAY!!

I ALWAYS have a hard time stopping myself from continuing to run after I do what I PLANNED on doing. I always have the feeling and thoughts of you should have done ONE more mile. Then I fight the feeling of guilt in a small way because I did NOT run more. In today's case especially....I felt horrible with myself that I did not run ONE more mile and run 13!! 13.1 is 1/2 marathon distance and I will be running those in a few short weeks so I should have done it. According to my mind. So then I think about next week and will I be able to do 13 miles? Most of all I thought about when I start MARATHON training in a few short months the "plan" has be adding 2 miles not 1 but TWO miles so why didn't I do that today?!!! I even finished BEFORE I had expected...30 mins BEFORE!! SO that made it worse.

Anywho I did finish and I ran 12 miles!!! SO I am PROUD and in AWE of that so don't think I am not. :)

Ever since hiking month ago I have had Achilles Tendonitis and have no idea what to do for it. I need to try and do research. It has not went away and acts up. I do not want it getting worse. It has not in a month...worries me though. I do not know why hiking caused it and why it will not go away. Pooy.

I took 2 gels to try (and use of course). On my long runs I have tried a different thing each week trying to find out if any work better then OTHERS so I know what is best for me. Ya know trial and error :) I have not had any errors so that is good. Today was POWERBAR Gels. I brought a Vanilla Bean and a Strawberry Banana (which had caffeine will the other did not). I chose to do the non caffeine one first and felt just fine during my run.I made it through. I took the 1rst at mile 5. I took the 2nd @ Mile 9. With that one I felt MORE energized and BETTER (not that I did not feel good before make sense?) so out of the 2 I think the caffeine one works best. I did not mind the taste.

Only other things I have tried were 2 different flavor of Lara Bars.

My splits for my run were all over the place hmm....they were as follows:
M1- 11:30
M2- 11:52
M3- 12:01
M4- 12:18
M5- 12:09
M6- 12:29
M7- 12:49
M8- 12:43
M9- 12:04
M10- 11:55
M11- 11:55
M12- 11:04

Now as far as my blog yesterday I have come to the conclusion that I am going to try the following. It sounds best to me and I hope it works. For those that know me I will NOT have a problem with wanting to be 1200 calories or less. Please trust me :) I have been logging my food for 5 days and have seen the amount I had been eating. Does not BOTHER me like it did before BECAUSE my state of mind has changed. Food is fuel. I am aware of this and I am ok with it!

I have decided that I will calorie count but HIGHER calories allowed. I have decided this is how it will be:
Sun: 1400
Mon: 1600
Tue: 1400
Wed: 1400
Thur: 1600
Fri: 1400
Sat: 1800

Now why the above? because on 1400 calorie days I am not running (tech on Tues I am but late @ night HILLS only 3 miles...don't think extra is needed) 1600 days I am running 5 miles and 1800 is my long run day. I think that sounds good and way better then not counting and/or eating 1200 or less. What do you think?!! Let me know PLEASE! You all know I need it!

A fellow Sparker had sent me running fuel through the mail and I got it YESTERDAY night....to that person (I will not name) I THANK YOU so very much!!! You have no idea how much it was appreciated and needed. She had reached out to me a while back and I finally reached back and said I needed help. I could not & can not afford to buy running gels/bars/bloks and etc... so the few things she sent me is a LIFE SAVER. THANK YOU AGAIN!!! XO

I have 2 days rest now and have my last 10K on Saturday (Turkey Trot)! It is my last longish run BEFORE I start 1/2's & my FULL beginning in Jan (1rst week of Jan)! Then I finish off the year with a 5k Santa run.

That is about all folks!
XOXOXO

For the WOMEN...(Men for any WOMEN you know as well!)Notes to Prevent You Gettin Abducted/Raped

I read this on my FB. It was passed along this morning and I re-posted it but also wanted to share it here with all THE WOMEN!!

Being a women who has been in the situations of multiple rapes during my life, I felt the NEED to have to share this. If only I would have known these things back then. Not that it would have helped. So from one WOMEN to another HERE YOU GO!
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Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)



This is important information for females of ALL ages.



When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends,

but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends

have female friends and this information is too important to miss

someone.



Please pass it along



A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what

they look for in a p otential victim and here are some interesting facts:



1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.

They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or

other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go

after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common

targets.



2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women

whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors

around specifically to cut clothing.



3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their

purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard

and can be easily overpowered.



4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between

5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.



5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store

parking lots . Number two: Are office parking lots/garages. Number three:

Are public restrooms.



6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and

quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about

getting caught.



7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year

sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.



8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because

it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you

isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.



9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or

other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.



Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the

attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys

you're not worth it.



10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following

behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or

stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time

is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out

here,' 'we're in for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and could

identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.



11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you

and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said

they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be

afraid to fight back.

Again, they are looking for an EASY target.



12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it

and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and

holding it out will be a deterrent.



13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can

by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind,

pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR

in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy

taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to

date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out

muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those

places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts .



14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a

particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is

extremely painful . You might think that you'll anger the guy and make

him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our

instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble.

Start causing trouble and he's out of there.



15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and

bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on

them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using much

pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.



16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of

your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any

odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!



You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the

guy really was trouble.



1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body.

If you are close enough to use it, do!



2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans . If a robber asks

for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from

you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse

than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER

DIRECTION!



3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back

tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.

The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.



4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating,

working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list,

etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the

perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to

your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR,

LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.



a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF,

repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything,

wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the

back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail

out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote

location.



5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking

garage:



A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side

floor, and in the back seat.



B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the

passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them

into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.



C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the

passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car,

you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a

guard/policeman to walk you back out.



IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than

dead.)



6. ALWAYS take the eleva tor instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are

horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is

especially true at NIGHT!)



7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS

RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times.

And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably

in a zigzag pattern!



8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you

raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking,

well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting

women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into

his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next

victim.



9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a

crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police

because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her

'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'



The lady then said that it sounded like the ba by had crawled near a

window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run

over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever

you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial

killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their

homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not

verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear

baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.



Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This

should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on

America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial

killer in Louisiana.



I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a

life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to

send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives,

sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Been meaning to blog...

I have been meaning and wanting to blog. I think about it everyday. Thing is have you ever felt like typing/writing feelings or to talk about life is to much energy?! Well that is how I feel. I want to blog but the idea of typing it up is mind/energy draining. Like I have so much to say but same time nothing at all. Words can not fit how I feel. Neither good nor bad. Just overall. Just a bunch of energy sucking stuff that is CRAP. Sweating small stuff, being a worry wart, having drama, fighting the dram, feeling alone, cardio, life, just EVERYTHING is too much to type.

None of what i just said prob makes ANY sense. HOPEFULLY someone out there understands and knows what it is like to have so much to say but to much energy to say it. Like an OVERLOAD! :)

Anyways....I did not run on Tues, Thurs, or Sat of last week due to being sick. Only a cold but I personally can not do much when it comes to cardio when I am sick. I was sick on Monday and ran, but when I am NOT just STARTING out and I am FULL blown sick I can't do it. That right there is listening to my body. ;) I mean I am already running around doing mommy stuff so good enough for me.

I ran 5 miles this morning. It was SUPPOSED to be a PACE run. I decided after STRUGGLING to keep pace for a mile that I will take it easy and just RUN. For the reasons of.. 1. This is my 1rst run back after being sick 2. I will not be having a 5 mile easy run this week (usually Thurs) because I have a 10k race this weekend 3. I have to switch my long run from Sat to Wed because of the race and lastly 4. I just wanted to!

Today's run was a rough one...it did it though. Tomorrow I have 3 miles of HILLS. Then I have my FIRST 12 miler this Thurs!! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOOOYYY! I have like I said a 10k "race" this Saturday.

As far as my boys go: people are so mean to them. By people I mean my mother and their father (my roommate) whatever you want to call him. They start AUTOMATICALLY yelling at them. I figure out their prob within 5 secs. Like last night at dinner Gavin was crying and whining and they both started yelling @ him. I asked do you have a rash buddy? He said yes.  Problem solved. Izick kept grabbing a rag to wipe his face and they were yelling at him, I got up and got him a paper towel because I know first hand how ANNOYING and IRRITATING it is to have liquid on your face (we ate soup) Bam that is solved. There were and ARE so man things that they get yelled at like called names and everything that if THEY would just shut the HELL up and actually give a damn they would figure it out quickly. My boys do NOT deserve to be yelled out because YOU have bipolar (mother) or are too lazy to  actually be a FATHER to them. It made me happy in my heart though...seriously BECAUSE mommy knew everything. My MOTHER instinct KNEW what was wrong or what had to be done. While everyone else got to rest and stay seated during dinner mommy had to keep getting up and taking care of everyone. Of course...because everyone else is lazy inconsiderate @$$holes! Phew.

Now regarding my "roommate" I have deleted him from FB. I started by hiding my relationship status, to removing him from the status, to deleting him. So what? well to me it is a slow process. Therefore by deleting him I am doing what needs to be done. He can not read my blogs (though he NEVER cared enough to anyways) he can't see what I am up to so I can do what I want (not that there is anything to do) but it is a START to having my OWN life if you know what I mean. Think about it.

I am beyond tired of doing everything and having to figure everything out on my own. Yet when HE needs something to be answered if I gave him the same answer he gives me I would get HELL. Does not matter though what I think or feel so as long as everyone else is happy.

Now let me explain I am a single mother with a marriage certificate. That is all. I have NO PROBLEM being a single mother but what bothers me is if I am going to be one let me be one!! I think it is BULL %*!@ to be doing everything a single mother has to do but have a big lump of crap married to you living in the same household. It irritates me, annoys me, and make it so much HARDER!!! So I am doing what I need to do slowly. Trying to figure things out first. Along with fear.... I am trying.

So that is the crap. :) why is there a smily face? Well because I am still always smiling. I get irritated and hate when he is home but other then that I am ALWAYS smiling and happy. (He is only home 1 day a week and comes home @ 7 pm so I do not see him other then that). SO life is still grand.

I am not going to try and keep up with blogging. The idea of meeting that goal is too stressful for me because when I do not meet it I feel horrible. So I won't make the goal :-D I'll just do it when I do it.

I have also started "logging" in my food again. Not counting calories just logging food. I did my ST'ing for today...

That is about all folks!
XOXOXO

Nerves of longer miles & unplanned plans

I had planned on starting to add miles again in 3 weeks. Longest I have run has been 10 miles. I was going to start adding a mile for 2 weeks a scale back week and then 1 more add a mile week. Then that would put me @ 13 miles so I would finally be at half marathon distance. I mean considering starting Jan 2012 I will be running 1/2 marathons so I kind of need to cover that distance BEFORE my race. In 3 weeks that would have me run 13 miles only TWICE before I have to run/"race" it. Did not think to much about it. Well now just typing that made me realize dude only 2? lol Anywho I was supposed to run 11 miles in 3 weeks on the 26th. Ya well not anymore. I am running 11 miles TOMORROW for my long run. Since the furthest I have run was 10 I have been bouncing 9 and 10 every other week. Well I was not feeling 9. I was trying to decide on another 10 miles like last week or maybe 11? I am CRAVING mileage. So after thought (probably only very little thought) Ihave decided 11 miles tomorrow. Then from there on will add like I had panned. Then I will be bouncing from 13, 11, 13, 12 and repeat until my MARATHON training begins in July. Hopefully...I mean I may get CRAZY and want to add a little before then.

When I say I crave I really do mean it. I want to push myself. Though I am so beyond NERVOUS!!! So why am I crazy enough to want to face it? The thought of my 11 miles is freaking me out. As I have felt EVERY SINGLE TIME I have added mileage. I am so beyond nervous witht he fear of not being able to do it!! Sure is nerve wrecking. BEFORE when I would add on my own I would only add 1/2 a mile each week!!! So when I got to my most I knew I only had to run 1/2 more mile so about 6 EXTRA mins. NOW though I have to run ANOTHER ONE full mile which is another 12 mins when my legs want to stop. My marathon training has me add 2 miles when I add so I better get use to more then 1/2 mile. I want to believe I can do it.....I just have that little fear and self doubt. Worries me...Can I really make it THAT far? It is only going to get ALOT further form here on out!! Oh boy!

I am going to bring LARA  PB choc chip bar tomorrow. Last time was LARA choc coconut. I plan on eating 1/3 @ mile 5,7, and 9.

This is my background now on my computer:

Last night I had pasta and garlic bread. Yum. Tonight is squash and eggs (bread is my carbs) and tomorrow is pork cordon bleu. I ALWAYS crave protein when I run so I switched the pork (which was for 2day originally) and eggs. Yes I know eggs are protein but I mean I crave MEAT and starch and veggies so works perfectly.

So I just love how my plans become unplanned and my unplanned now becomes my plans haha. Have to go with it ya know. Seems like these last minute decisions work best...less time to fret and just a way to push yourself into something that makes you nervous. Heh no wonder I hit the submit button weeks ago on the signing up for a marathon when only day or so (for many months before as well) before I said no way I could never, I can't even run 1/2 marathon. GREAT way to shut yourself up. Really is. Doing things you think you can't by forcing yourself to do them. :') Can't explain it but maybe someone out there understands?

I started doing some ST'ing today (ab's). My hand is healing!! :) I have not had a bandage on it for 2 days now, and NOW I am starting to be able to wash and wet that hand. Softly but still. Still wont do my ST'ing tomorrow (lower body) I will start doing upper and lower next week. Give my knee and hand this weekend to heal more so I chance nothing.

Well that is about all folks!
XOXOXO

P.S did I mention...I AM SO NERVOUS about tomorrow's 11 miles?!!

Injury, tired, & annoyed OH MY

This is part of today's status: Today I am tired, annoyed, & irritated w/ my "injuries". Just going to do NOTHING all day. Since I already did my 5 mile run....:)

I am truly all of that. My mother's dogs will not stop barking because the female is in heat and the male has been going NUTS all morning. No matter what he will not stop barking!!! He is outside right now and she is inside.

I am "fed up" with my injuries. I have not been able to do ANY ST'ing since Saturday when I hurt myself on my fall. I either have to use my hand or leg/knees. I can run just fine but any other pressure I can not do. when I STOP running my knee hurts. My hand is finally healing but I still can not do anything with it...I mean that like it is in the wrong spot where anything you do with it it would hit the wounds. So you are left to do NOTHING with it. Still has not scabbed. This is what it looked like when I did it...

These pictures do the wounds NO JUSTICE please believe me. It just got worse after that..More pus more ugly, just nasty. Then as far as my "wounds" on my leg yes they are only road rash but what happened after these pictures is SWELLING and HUGE bruise around my whole knee. That is my issue.  Swelling goes down (I still have  some bruising) then I "forget" about it and when I crawl into bed or on couch or WHATEVER I always go first on my left knee...then I jump up cause it hurts. Can't handle my body weight. That is when it swells back up. I have no done that  in a dya so so far so good....last time I did I HAD to take RX ibuprofen. I do not EVER take pills  of any kind   but HAD to so my swelling went down (it was 11 @ night and I wanted to go to bed had no time to ice it).


So with all the above going on I wrote this to Shawn this morning in an email...so when he got to his 2nd job he would get it... Title of email was 2 sarcastic ty's and rough run: (excuse the harshness if you may)


1. THANK YOU so much for leaving the trash overflowing where I could not shove any grain of dirt in it without it overflowing, meaning in order to start TRYING to get ready for my run I had to empty trash and put in new bag so I may throw away my banana peel.

and..

2. THANK YOU oh so very much for letting my Garmin charge for so very long, not putting it on the table like I asked but instead letting it over charge, so that when I head out the door 10 mins late because I had to do trash...I have to COME BACK IN because it over charged so much it would not TURN ON. So instead of heading out 10 mins late I had to head out 20 mins late because I had to TRY to find the info ONLINE somewhere on how to RESET it in HOPES that it worked.

So THANK YOU for that. THANK YOU SO MUCH...what would I do without you?!!!!

Setting me up for a rough run to begin with, being 20 mins late...knowing I have to RUSH to do everything when I get home not having a chance to truly relax because I did not have time BECAUSE of heading out late due to the 2 above things that I love so very much!

Then add my hands FREEZING solid not being able to move them and my hands hurting so bad + having to pee oh so badly (but I had so much time before I left I should have just peed right!!!??) + having to really take a S$%^! Yup but I could have done that before I left as well.

Wow I hope to have such a wonderful run like I had today EVERYDAY. THANK YOU.
**************************************************************************
Harsh?  Nah not at all. Honest. It's how we roll lol

I woke @ 230 this morning starving so I ate some pretzels...blah blah

I am tired, and want to do NOTHING all day. SO I will. Do not like it...it will drive me nuts but I sure am going to try. I did my 5 mile run this morning so....




That is about all!
XOXOXO

Wounds, Self Doubt, Sabotage, & Halloween

Oh boy. Lovely things to be experiencing.

Wounds: 1.5 miles into my 5 mile run this morning I decided to eat cement....that apparently was not enough for the cement so it took a bunch of my skin WITH it and left me full of dirty wounds. Did I cry? No. Did I hurt? Oh geez yes...it burn like a SOB!!! What did I do AS SOON as it happened? I JUMPED right back up and started running again. Yup as I hurt, burned, and was thinking this sucked...looking at my left hand as it oozed, bled and looked HORRIBLE...I kept on running not even thinking of it. I went numb I was fine and I just kept running. I stopped for MAYBE 10 seconds 1/2 mile later just to ASSESS the damage. I looked shook my head and said oh boy, then started hitting the pavement again (the right way this time lol). I told myself I am so blessed to be able to tolerate pain. I am so strong lol if I can handle 100% natural childbirth (& that did not hurt much!) who cares about this. Anywho...1/2 away from finishing I REALLY started burning. When I got home I SCRUBBED my wounds and they still are not clean. GOD that was TORTURE that hurt so amazingly BAD. Grr....I put a bunch of peroxide & neosporin on the wounds...then bandaged them up. Legs have big bandaids and my left hand has gauze and tape wrapped around it. I am working with ONE hand which is so incredibly hard. Try washing dishes with one hand lol...I was supposed to do ST'ing today...ya that did not and will not happen. Eh life happens.... Here are some pictures  of my BADGES OF HONOR :) Once I take bandages off to clean again Ill snap pictures :)

 Eh what can I say...it happens...

 Booo! Pooy on injuries lol....

I am supposed to be a baby/little girl for Halloween today...but I might just need to go as a mummy instead! ;)

Halloween: Can't wait to take my boys tonight. Noone celebrates any more so I am afraid that it will result in no candy. Poor kids..I WANT CANDY TOO!! ;) haha Yes I will be having some.

Sabotage: I have eaten too much of too many bad things past few days. Need to fix it...after tomorrow. I am allowing myself candy. I already said that MONTHS ago.

Self doubt: I seem to find out about HILLS after I sign up for "races". I signed up for 3/4 of my 1/2 marathons...come to find out they are ALL hilly (one that I def know for sure VERY VERY hilly) What the heck!! I find out all my 1/2's are hilly AND my MARATHON is as well. I am doubting myself regarding being able to do THEM period let alone being able to run a 1/2 period. Really? It is not really fully doubt. I mean I am afraid I can't and am nervous and "scared" I won't be able to, BUT I will not and am NOT having it stop me. I just do not want the doubt to get full blown.

That is about all folks!
XOXOXO