I had planned on not running for 6 days (I plan on running my long run on Sat but I am not sure) to give my IT band/ piriformis a chance to "heal", not heal, feel better, do SOMETHING other then bother me! So I have not been running and I am going NUTS.
I am in such a slump right now for so many reasons. I have been doing NOTHING all day (besides house work I mean fitness wise). I have not even been doing ST'ing. I feel so SAD. Like what is the point.
I know there IS a point and many reason I should but running is the ONLY cardio I get. It is the GO TO, it is my EVERYTHING. I HATE doing videos now. Thank you running for making me hate them lol. Before running that is all I would all day, now that I run I can not stand to be in front of TV. It is like overwhelming and makes me feel claustrophobic. I can't stay in one place.
I can't walk outside because I have my boys and back in the day I would take them with me, but it is just beyond too cold to take them out with me. I don't like taking them out and having them sit in their wagon in the cold. I do not have time any other time to go by myself.
My glute and IT band are not SORE anymore when I roll. They do not HURT or BOTHER me at ALL when I ROLL. SO they do not seem to be tight. EXCEPT my IT Band is still bothering me. I feel so helpless, and I literally see my running dreams crashing down in front of me, Seriously. It has got me in a "mood" where I feel like just bawling and I am so sad. Grr.
When I say I see my running dreams coming crashing down I seriously mean I stare ahead and I see building coming down like the twin towers. I am sorry to mention the towers but I literally see them falling and those are my running dreams.
I can't see how I am going to be able to do my 1rst 1/2 marathon first week of Jan or the others to follow that, or how I can't even do that so How am I going to do a marathon. I just do not see any of that happening. EVERYTHING I wished, dreamed, and worked so hard for...getting demolished!
My eating has been horrible. The I feel sorry for myself and I just do not care anymore eating. Thing is though I do care. Each and every moment I think about what I am putting in my mouth and the wanting to get back on track but I "can't" right now because I do not want to mentally. I want to eat myself sick because I am "deserving" of it because I can't even run right. I am a failure.
NOW DO NOT GET ME WRONG...I know I am NOT a failure. I know I could not help that this has happened. I KNOW the way I feel and am going about things right now is "WRONG". I know this. Right now though I am feeling hopeless. I am allowed to feel this. I need to shape up sooner then later. I keep telling my self that the new year will be it. No more "mistakes".
For the past 2 yes TWO years I have said that 2010 would be the year I became a maintainer, and then the same for 2011. Now...once again 2012!
The other day Shawn had a migraine. Long story short as always/usual. I took care of the boys and he slept all day long I kid you not. So I made sure boys were quiet (to the best of my ability) I let him stay sleeping on the couch. I put the alarm on the couch so he would wake up for work next morning, I set up his clothes, I did everything to make sure he was set for work next day. Since he did not "care". Next morning when I got up...I woke to being overwhelmed frustrated upset, and "pissed" to the point where I bawled. Just like a baby. I was so "sad" at the point of realizing that I take care of everyone else and I am EXHAUSTED. It's a B%&*$ when it HITS you that you will never get rest nor the RESPECT you give to others. The idea that I gave him what he needed, REST. The man works 6 days a week from 2am-7pm 5 of those days. His temp job is done as of the 24th so he will be working only 4-6 hours for now on, BUT I have never gotten that I will never get that, it just is not "fair". Just that morning BEFORE he had gotten the headache I wanted to "relax" on the couch I was dozing off and he was too busy NOT paying attention to HIS kids as USUAL and they were bugging me. He even came over to me and asked if I was tired and falling asleep. I said yes (I mean eve if I was not my arms was over my eyes and I was LAYING DOWN so I obviously wanted to relax and HELL I DESERVE TO RELAX! Yet he walked away continued not watching them and here they go bugging me again RAMMING into me as I TRY to sleep. Heh. I get the crap of "I have no problem watching them while you go and relax or sleep in". Bull %^$%!!!! I told him this time and time again including YESTERDAY. He has told me how awesome I was and am for "taking care of him" and givi9ng him that day of rest/sleep. I know this, but don't I deserve the same AWESOMENESS?! YES!
I told him you tell me ALL the time that you have no problem with watching your own children but you can't even watch them for a few mins when I am laying on the couch! If they were being WATCHED they would not be able to make there way to "bug" me. If they were being watched they would not be able to find the way back to the house to the bathroom to find me when your supposed to keeping an eye on them. If they were being WATCHED they would not be able to come back into my bedroom and jump on me while I lay there, or be able to bang down my door calling MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so on so on so on.... you get the picture.
So I woke that morning overwhelmed and "pissed" that I always am the one taking care of everyone else. I do it with a problem. I do it without wanting anything in return. I did it not being upset. I just woke to realizing I will never have the same in return, and that my friends is a kick in the nuts. Sorry for the terms. OUCH. I also was rushing cause I had to go to an appt...just to go and find out that it is NEXT Monday. I went on Monday but a Monday to soon. I knew it was on the 19th but I thought it WAS the 19th already! Wow.
I "ordered" (I had credit on Amazon so did not have to actually pay for it) 2 DVD's of Jillian Michaels. They should be here tomorrow. 1 is yoga, and 1 is buns and thighs. I want to TRY anything to strengthen my hips, thighs, glutes hoping that MAYBE it has SOMETHING to do with my IT Band/ Piriformis issues.
Yes I know though I can't stand doing DVD's so how am I going to do them? Do not know. Sigh.
With Christmas coming it makes it a little more "depressing". My oldest Izick keeps talking about Santa and gifts. Coming out of his room saying nope no Santa or gifts yet. I have TRIED explaining it is not about that. He is expecting stuff and the idea of him only getting one tiny little thing (because that is all he IS getting due to not being able to afford anything, no not a sob story just real) bothers me. I told him today that if he gets a doll he needs to be happy with it....well it resulted in NO's, yelling at me, calling me names, and so much more.
Izick is almost 5 and he has been horrible recently. Attitude, telling me off, saying alot of things no child should say. I have done EVERYTHING aside from hitting him with a belt. I could say so much more of the way he is acting but I wont. Of course my little man Gavin does EVERYTHING his older brother does...so you get the picture.
I hate knowing I can not get them anything for Christmas. I wanted to sign up for Angel tree, but I was too late. :-
I have no gotten anything from Santa in so many years. SO I have my own little material wish list. I never celebrated growing up because well my dad... he is the DEVIL. Yup. So of course the whole you want your kids to have what you never did.
I have 3 things I want.
1. Jessie J cd
2. Paramore cd
3. Elliptical
My NON MATERIAL list is so long. SO SO long. I am blessed in so many ways and I want things to stay this way if not better. I just want the same things I already have day after day. That is all. Oh except I would LOVE to have my running dreams renewed and not have an injury anymore.
I want to leave off with this video. It is from Jessie J (the 1 I want the cd of :)) I had it stuck in my head all day yesterday and frankly it goes with how I have been feeling. It applies to ALL OF YOU as well. Just give it not even 5 mins of your time and listen to the words if you can?
Jessie J: Who you are
youtu.be/j2WWrupMBAE
That's all folks!
XOXOXO
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