I felt so unbelievably sad yesterday. I posted on my status how I was feeling and I got alot of cyber hugs. :') THANK YOU all for that!!!
It started when I got up from laying down from "nap time". I felt so very SAD. Like beyond depressed and I just did not want to be bothered. I felt like I was not in my body and I just did not know why. I just wanted comfort I just wanted to cry. So I fell off the "wagon". I mean I just did not fall I BROKE the wagon. I did not understand why. I mean I was NOT hungry at all. I was not even low on calories. I am not feeling deprived since my calories are higher now. Just did not make sense. I can not even explain how incredibly sad I was. It was scary.
Well when I told people this...I also got cyber answers of....subconscious stuff. Like your subconscious works in weird ways and it knows and stuff like that. Well when Shawn came home I needed to go for a little walk. Like NOW. :( He said the same thing...he said he thought ALOT of it had to do with what I found out earlier that day. I said" but when I was told I did not think of it as sad I do not think". That did not matter it made COMPLETE sense. I know at that moment my heart sank when I heard.
Now what I heard I will tell you in ONE SECOND. Background my neighbor has 4 kids 2 girls and 2 boys. We chat everyday. I walk alot with her to pick up her daughter(youngest) from school often. We share things with eachother. Her cousin (male), his wife, and their 2 kids were staying with her.
Well I had heard a few days ago that her oldest (who is her daughter and 13 yrs old) and her cousin were writing very inappropriate letters back and forth and showing affection towards one another. She put a stop to it thinking nothing of it. She wanted to tell his wife but did not know what to do. She said she was afraid what her family would say and such... She asked my advice and I was not nice about it (I was not mean just blunt). I told her basically in short story that if they got mad then they are not family. That she should say F^&* them and be a mother and worry about her daughter. I told her me knowing exactly how it is in that situation when I needed someone to do something for me they did not. They called me a liar and all I needed was a parent to defend me stick up for me and cal the cops. She needed to do what a MOTHER should do. Do SOMETHING. Well YESTERDAY just before nap she came over to talk with me. She had posted on my FB that she told "her" I said WHAT!!!?? I then looked on her FB page and she had posted the day before "the fit has hit the shan". I then realized uh oh THAT is what that post was about.
Anyways she came over and told me how it went down. I bluntly asked was it just letters (cause once again being experienced in this field I know it usually is more) or did he touch her? She told me oh ya. He would wake her up and ask what she knew about sex. He would touch her, and he would make her touch him. ONLY reason it did not go further (sex) was because there was ALWAYS someone in the house. There is alot more info but that is the point.
When I heard this I don't remember thinking I was "sad" for her. I do not remember how I felt to be honest. Then shortly after she left. We ate pretzels and all went to lay down (my boys and I). Then I woke and the sadness started.
Now alot of people would think well ya anyone should be sad for that poor little girl but mine runs deeper.
The following link takes you to a blog I wrote a little back about my experience. A good amount of you have possibly read it. Now I WARN you...
WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!
It may not be a pretty story. It talks about rape, molestation and dysfunction. So if you cannot handle PLEASE DO NOT READ.
Heck there is no reason for you to read I just want it to be known that I have alot of history.
Here is the link:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4355105
So being one who has experienced what her daughter had experienced...I do believe that subconscious had ALOT to do with it. Though I do not know if that was the problem. It is the only thing that makes sense. When others told me that it clicked and made sense.
When I fell off the wagon all I felt was complete sadness. I actually cried cause I was so sad and did not know why!!!
Today is much better and I am fine and back to my normal self.
So I believe that was the reason I was sad. Maybe maybe not but I will stick with it. The subconscious apparently works in mysterious ways. I mean I have alot of other crap going on BUT I deal with that stuff everyday and it does not effect me in this way so....
I feel horrible for eating everything and anything in sight yesterday....but today is a new day. Right? :-
THANK YOU to ALL of you who commented on my status. You all are LOVED!!
XOXOXO
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